26/11/2009 ..... One year later

Dear Mohammad Ajmal Kasab,

Wish you a very Happy Birthday and many more happy returns of the day. Yes, had it not been our peace loving authorities to take good care of you, you too would have died on the fateful day, 26/11, when you dared to open fire to claim many innocent Indian lives for your filthy motive. You are so cool, you took so many lives that day with a trigger and got yourself a new life!

You infiltrated into amchi Mumbai, ruined our prestigious monuments, brutally took lives of so many innocent people, widowed happy wives and orphaned countless kids and caused destruction to our much loved city with your dastardly and cowardly attacks. We can’t put our feelings in words to see you alive and in pink of your health, living on our money, surviving on rich food, taken care of by money we pay as taxes. The money that we pay as tax so that hardcore criminals like you eat, drink and sleep comfortably, while we continue spending sleepless nights waiting for another Kasab to show up.

While millions of Indian citizens spend their lives on roads, are deprived of basic amenities and medication, live with a fear of another horrendous attack by uncivilized creatures like you, our system is extra cautious for your well-being. We are sure you are safe in police custody with guards on your sides to fulfill your every small requirement.

We have full faith in our systems. And we know you will live happily ever after in the confines of the four walls of the prison where you don’t have to worry about earning your bread and butter.

Cause we have other issues to deal with, and react violently when someone discourages the use of Hindi language and Mumbai is referred to Bombay. Though its months after you confessed your crime, our ‘efficient’ system will ensure your safety and comfort for more days to come, when giving you an apt punishment is the last thing on their minds, while the common man remains busy seeking survival in this city.

Wish you a Happy Birthday again darling, and we are sure you will have no complaints with our system.

Best Wishes,

A true Indian


Make Govt Officers Efficient: Birbe Them !

Before you start reading this post, let me make it clear this is not a satirical article. I am damn serious.

Money is just another measure for your useful labour

First of all, you need to understand what money is. Money is not something you win in a lottery, or are born with. Money is a measure of your labor that came useful to someone. For example if you build a house for someone, he will give you some money in return. Therefore, the money you have is your hard earned labor, nothing else.

If you invest your money in stock market and make millions out of it, then basically you took the labor assuming the risk involved in the business you invested in. The money is now a reward for your risk taking and accurate decision making.
If you are a millionaire then you became a millionaire because you performed the labor to become so rich.
I am covering these bases because in India half of our problems are because of wrong presumptions. We in India believe that being rich or poor is a matter of luck. You can never deserve to be rich or to be poor. If you are rich, then help out the poor people. If you are poor then there is no reason why rich should be treated any more or less than the poor.

Bribe the government officials

Once you have established the axiom that being rich or poor are not the matter of fate and your own doing, you will realize that when you pay someone with money, basically you are giving them your useful labor. You are giving them this labor in exchange for their useful labor.

When you pay a traffic cop some money to not write you a ticket, that money goes to him directly instead of to the government. This is a very good thing. This makes him more efficient.
How? Here is how. What is the purpose of the traffic cop? To regulate the traffic, prevent, and deter people from violating traffic rules. When you bribe a cop, you are basically asking him to be more efficient in catching traffic violations, because more people he catches breaking the rules more money he will make for his own pocket.
When you pay a government official in say passport office to process your passport in a faster manner, you get priority over any other person who may not be able to pay for his passport. This is also a very good thing because it makes the whole society more efficient.

How? Here is how. Who is willing to pay more for a faster passport? Someone who needs the passport with more urgency. Why would a person need his passport with more urgency and why would he be willing to pay for it?

Because that person feels his time is more important to him than the money he spends on bribing the passport officials. He is willing to spend his valuable useful labor on the speed of passport because he either expects to make more money out the time he saved (in which case he is providing more useful labor to other people), or he just wants psychic satisfaction by getting his work done faster (in which case he is paying by his labor).

What about dishonest cops? Sure bribing a cop may not bring any good?

Well actually it does. You see most of our laws are basically a legacy of British Raj, take for example the law against Homosexuality, laws against guns, our Indian Penal Code was formulated in 1860 (90 years before we achieved independence), under British supervision.

A bunch of our laws are formulated because western nations with huge guilt want us to follow them through UN, take for example the environmental laws, Intellectual property laws etc.

Then a majority of our laws are there because the old people who stick to their Culture (well they don’t have any wealth to pass us on, so why not talk about the various non-tangible things they pass us, that is, Indian Culture), want the government to enforce cultural norms on us.
The point being that except for a minority of criminal laws that actually are relevant, most of the laws are made with an intention of following culture and customs. The Hindu Marriage law forces Hindus to follow Hinduism; the Muslim marriage law forces Muslims to follow Islam. Pornography is not legal in India because our culture does not approve it. The point is most of these things are not criminal offenses at all, and there are no victims. For example, rape does have a victim, what who is the victim in a case of Pornography? Surely, the women who willingly agreed to work in the movie are not, neither the person who is watching the pornographic movie.

When Police force tries to enforce these laws, where there are no victims, nothing is more moralistic to bribe the police. If you want to use drugs, bribe the local cop. If you want to engage in prostitution, bribe the local cop. If you want to watch Porn, bribe the local cop.
You might say, well where does this ‘dishonesty’ stop, how about you want to rape someone you can bribe the cop?

Well the cop is not stupid, he will not take a bribe if you raped someone or molested some young kid. Even dishonest cops have a conscience. Dishonest cops take bribe for crimes which have no real victims, or where the damage done is really small and the rewards are really high.

Although this in no way guarantees that the cops will only take bribe for victim-less crimes, but my point is just because you do not bribe them does not change the fact that our police force is highly inefficient. The point is, there is nothing immoral in bribing a cop for a victimless crime.
If the question arises in your mind, what is a more permanent solution incompetence of the Police force, well try getting rid of all these stupid laws about victimless crimes, and then the cops will only be focused on catching the real criminals.
When you pay a Train Conductor (TC) in a railway compartment, to give you a reserved seat after a high bribe, there is not better then that. This is my favorite kind of bribery. This is like the quasi-auctioning of the seats. Highest bidder gets the seat. If there are more people, then whosoever pays maximum amount of his own labor, for the comfort of the seat gets it.
Although Train Conductors do not always give the ticket to the highest bidder, they give some preference to highest bidder, and some to the person needing the seat most (like an old person or a woman with kids).
The economic function achieved here is, the Train Conductor can make maximum amount of money if he satisfies the maximum number of people and maximum need with whatever resources he has.


As you can see this article stands to what it claims in its title. Bribing the government officials brings efficiency in the government operations. It is not the best course of action for us, but with the limited means we have, this is the best course of action.
If you really want passport offices to be more efficient, privatize it.
If you really want Traffic cops to be more efficient and honest, privatize traffic police, privatize roads, and have this organization compete with each other for the consumers.
If you want to see honest cops, remove the stupid laws, make people responsible for themselves. However, these are only temporary solutions; a more permanent solution would be to privatize Police itself.
If you want honest Train, conductors privatize railways. Allow private agencies to run their railroads in India.
Until then, never feel bad for a consensual capitalist act.